May
22
I suspect that for decades, there will be days of the year that we celebrate and days that we mourn.
It’s hard to do both in the same day. Like Mother’s Day, we’ll always celebrate God’s gift to Erin in motherhood and remember the time she did get to share with Owen, though it was only brief…bittersweet.
Jude’s birthday may be a tough one as well. Owen was born just 7 days before Jude…so every year we will remember Owen together and anticipate the time when we’ll be together and then celebrate God’s gift to us in Jude, right here-right now…there may be some funny emotions there for a while.
Or today, May 22nd. Today was the day that Owen was to be born, the 22nd was his due date. Erin had purposed herself to go to the cemetery and pray and probably cry. Due dates are special to us, Jude was born on his due date…one of the rare 3% of kids who are…we hoped the same for Owen. Also, close friends of ours chose to deliver their new baby girl today…bittersweet.
So a visit to the cemetery and a visit to the hospital…only the gospel and the work of Jesus in a sinful heart like mine can make days like these bearable right now. Together these things remind me that the world is not the way it was supposed to be or will be one day. But, that in the midst of tragedy there is great beauty…God is still present, working out His purposes for His glory and our joy. That one day there will be no more babies who live only minutes or days (Is. 65:20).
Anything short of the gospel is incapable of bringing me hope and peace on days like this.
The story is not over, God is not finished. Owen has died and it reminds me that things are screwed up, sin and decay are still present, I’m not to get too comfortable in this place, our hope is elsewhere. Kaiah was born today, even in this fallen world beauty rises from its ashes just as Jesus rose from the darkness of death and defeated it on our behalf…God is still working and He is still so good.
Some days are bittersweet, more bitter than sweet and b/c of Jesus, more sweet than bitter.
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I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I know your hurt, I know your pain, as I lost my son to bilateral renial agenisis (his kidneys did not form at all) just 3 months ago. We named him Jacob “the peacemaker”, and to this day my heart aches and yearns to see him. Mary Beth Pulver shared briefly she was walking with you in this, and gave me your blog to read. I know we do not know each other, but the body of Christ is large, and I bear your burdens. Thanks for sharing your heart, it has helped me as well in this journey. My son was only 19.5 weeks old when we were given the news of his destiny on earth, but I have never doubted, that what greater gift could you want for your child, that when he opened his eyes they would be staring into the eyes of Jesus. I have held on to that visual image, as it gets me through every day. And, then I listen to the promise the Lord had for Abraham, except saying my name, “Do not fear Jamie I am a shield to you, your reward shall be great.” Then Scripture says that Abraham believed the Lord and He reckoned it to Him as righteousness. As hard as it is, time, I have noticed is a healing ointment in the midst of this wound in my heart. I will continue to pray for your journey as well.